PlanTing SeeDs of HappineSs

( 11 Dec 2009- Mission AccomPLished )

( 7 Dec 2009-The Sole SurvivoR )

( 3 DeC 2009)

(18 Nov 2009)

5cm smiley seed, bright orange stink marigold petals, a curly funny plant and tiny Japanese roses…cheerful enough, providing patches of colours to cloudy December sky. That’s what I thought. These joyfull plants are perhaps the only motivation for me to go to my workplace especially on bad days like these couple of days. I've been working n working without knowing much what I’ve done.

Feeling slightly light headed yesterday with a slight attack of gastric due to unnecessary anxiety. which should be under controled...but hey..life never been a piece of cake to most people. but one thing for sure, Life goes on. Run if you can, walking is ok...or crawl if you must...you just need to go on..doesnt matter how..

Honestly I was in blue and unsatisfied with my job. Then, Ms Ym from the faculty called me asking about my study status. Apparently my supervisor, Prof N was there. I was told to see her a.s.a.p. gulp! Should I go on or quit? Or just postpone it for another 10 years perhaps?

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about my previous plan in sort of “once-upon-a-time” story. Then he said to me, “It doesn’t mean your current life will be your last”. He’s right. I, by no means have no control over my destiny but it wouldn’t be any harm if I review my old plan and think about it again. By the way, that’s what I like to do best in my life. Yes...teaching. One day...it’s not impossible for me to go back to my old times. Teaching to a bunch of students who are eager to listen to me...discussing psycholinguistic theories with teachers-wannabes. Guiding them in exams…helping them to score good marks.

Satisfaction is important in life. I could be stucked in a secure job but unhappy or not so secure job but happy. Tough...it’s like having a secure unhappy relationship or insecure happy relationship. PARADOX in meaning but do happen in reality….knowing myself. I always choose to be happy. Of course I want to be rich...but I want to be a smiley face kindda rich…so having a place to stay…decent food to eat (cant say nutritious since I do eat junk food a lot...hahaha) a car to move around...lil extra cash for things..Be enough. Who cares if others r driving HONDA…I’ll be happy if I’m riding on a camel as long as there’s a “driver”…huh...i never like that engined animal a.k.a car anyway.

Now...what I’m thinking is...how do I turn back to plan A, after moving along with PLAN B? The problem is I might be facing some legal action. Some of it is quite ridiculous…so when penalty fees are concerned. I rather not talk too much. Perhaps before taking any step. I should consult a legal advise from the expertise not from friends who mostly will talk about commonsense...believe me. Been through all those and discovered that it could be nonsense after all. I rather not loose my senses anymore which could result me being unpaid for almost a year….sigh!!!

To be or not to be...The road not taken again…two roads diverged in a yellow wood…blabla…blabla

the point is, i need to Plant my own Happy Seeds. those seeds might not grow all but i'm having no doubt that some will :)

LIfe FoR ReNt

I came across this Song by Dido..thinking How i could Relate my life with it.

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
HOME for me is the Place I AM now
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I'll try this time...since i like my HOME
I apologize that once again
I'm not in love
NO Comment
But it's not as if
You Figure it out!
I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
Or is it the other Way around?
It's just a thought, only a thought
CaLL it THOUGHTSsss
But if my life is for rent and
all life are
I don't learn to buy
CAnt BuY anyway
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
no HARM tryinG
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Yes...duh! Life for Rent
I've always thought that
ABSOLUTELY
I would love to live by the sea
I DO...still DO..will always DO
To travel the world alone and live my life more simply
SoLo BackPackinG is Great But Having Companion is Even GREATER
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Dream doesnt cost a cent..so go on live your DREam
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
Yes..just FoLLow Your Instinct
It's just a thought, only a thought
Hey, it could be a good START
But if my life is for rent and
mmmm....
I don't learn to buy
Why Bother..if you can get it for FREE
Well I deserve nothing more than
I get Cos nothing I have is truly mine
While my heart is a shield and
protect Urself too Much..might be not good
I won't let it down
Tough...to survive a broken heart
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
I'LL try again and again...not to give UP
Well how can I say
I'm alive
Yess..after all those Stormy Days...glad to be alive
If my life is for rent...

Just another Manic Monday.. GenDer EqualiTY

BULAN RULES!!!

it's monday..yup a day after Sunday. Work..work..till my head hurts..not really. why do i need work? instead of making money..why do i work? part from getting the cash to spend..perhaps just to satisfy my "not-so-empty brain". or maybe i dont know what to do instead of working..just go with the flow...just follow the crowd..the truth is i would rather stay at home baking cupcakes to a bunch of hungry lil monkeys. would it be "trendy" enough to do in this millennium? will i be laughed or teased? the heck..as long as i have money supplier..that'll be fine.

Me, too young to be suffereing from the hots flushes of menopause.. still unattached..but already tired with all the craps in life. would it be cool enough to stay at home? running errands for a house full of dinosaurs? feedin them..changing diapers..cleaning the toilet bowl? perhaps people might mistaken me as the well-fed maid workin for the Barney's family. truth is..ladies are trying to run along in a male marathon and tryin to prove that they're equal.. yes..shouting the Gender Equality SLogan..

Apparently, in RealiTy we can never be equal...well, it doesn’t mean that we are weak but even better. We, ladies should be treated as princess due to our “weak” nature. Men are supposed to protect us, guide us, and lead us. Sadly, when ladies are so much engrossed in “gender equality”, Men are taking advantages. Yes, they could just probably say that, “Hey, you want equality? Come and get it”. Here we are, ladies…cheering words of triumph...hip hip hooray! Men are letting go their responsibility. Ladies become the breadwinner of the family while men rather become stay-home-dad...or shall I say “stay-home-dead” There goes the story of a so much demanded gender equality. Ladies in men's world while men couldn’t careless if they are in the World or Outer Space... as long as they could still contribute to breed human nation. Life revolves around watching soccer, eating chips with high sugar content drinks..enough to make them as active as a weasel. Active messing the house and "you-know-what-i meant"…

Is this what we need? So much of gender equality...by the end of the day...all worn out after long working hours. We, ladies come back to a hell rather than home. I guess it will be a never ending disagreement...

So men, giving ladies freedom doesn’t mean giving them "doomed-for-free" but should be

"free-from-doomed". enough of philosophy on a rather so-so day...

I believe men should be the men of the house and ladies…just accept that we can never be equal to men. Take it as we are their backbones..positioned at the back of the body but important. we compliment them..making them better. Hey, two heads are better than one...or it could be negatively interpreted..Two Heads are messier than one. There are things that we better let them do. Being their left hand doesn’t mean weakness but making a family constitution stronger. It’s not a yes-no relationship but a rather more diplomatic one. Go on, who cares if you breed like a bunny rabbit, cook a gigantic pot of soup for dinner, nearly drowned in piles of dirty laundry...in the end you are the one who decide...you are mature enough to differentiate if it is an act of care or an act of abuse..

Whatever status ladies are, there is no right for men to abuse us. We might be nerve wrecking at times but...it’s just that we need lil extra attention or perhaps some kind of appreciation. oh perhaps..just blame our chaotic estrogen.

Those who know me might be thinking that what rubbish I’m writing since I am a career lady which never been in a “wife” or “mother” position. Yess..they probably saying..look who's talking!!! a marriage counselor who never been married..a relationship therapist who never succeed in relationship...hey a surgeon never conducted a surgery on his/her own body but still a proclaimed surgeon..duh!

oh well, I might be wrong in certain things...but being raised in a conservative family...having conservative parents...nurtured by conservative mother...disciplined by a conservative father...make me ME..A “please” person. I hope that I will never lose that “please” in me...wish to instill that in my children. I mean...how adorable it would be seeing 3 year old child sayin “Mama, could you please make me some milk”? Believe me...it’s wonderful. I watched my 3 yr old niece saying it and hope to see more in the future. Perhaps…later I could claim that it runs in the genes. CouLd it Be?

some of my married siblings chose to tone down the "conservative" style we used to be brought up in raising their family..it's up to them. i cant say that i'm 100% an avid believer of conservative way of life..but i do believe in discipline and saying "Yes Sir" in certain situation. the point is...a good leader is needed..shall i spell M.A.N with quality of course :)

i guess that's all..me, rambling about my MooN-day...so next time..dont let me rant..i might end a simple matter with far more complicated issues...you'll be sorry

It's NOT JUST a PuddLe of RainDrops...

it was raining when BB left. i dint cry but the non-stop raindrops till late evening enough to measure my tears. pouring my heart out silently. being apart from a person i'm attached is hard. we played, ate, laughed, learnt.....and the list goes on and on. it's like he's my shadow..or perhaps i'm the shadow. i refused to think much abou it. he's gone for a good deed. i should be happy for him. I DO..no doubt about that.

i dragged my feet to the parking lot. yes...we did something to make the muddy laterite parking place better. putting the small stones to make the puddle less deep, trying our best for the users convinience especially me :) I tiptoed on the muddy surface..trying to be very careful...not wanting the yellowish muddy water to ruin my CLarK shoes...it looked absolutely dirty . I nearly slipped down, thinking not to sacrife my favourite shoes..then ,I remembered him saying, "You know what..." i just shrunked my shoulder..He continued, "you can take whuduk with this water". "owww..." it never occured to me to do so...he is right. i guess..the water is clean enough..Anyway, it's just a puddle of rainwater mixed with muddy soil.

i walked pass the parking space holding tight to my pink umbrella. i dint want to go home yet. dint want to feel the lost. dint want to be alone. dint want to think a lot about it. the worst part is dint know where to go and what to do...crapss!

i moved to the nearest mall..all those good memories with BB flashed into my mind. i strolled, passed the shops, viewed the colourful items being displayed...not knowing where to go. Nothing really attracted my attention. i gave blank looks at the people passing by..gave them false glimpse tried to show to them that i'm sane enough. the same corridor..the same shops..even the sales assistants looked the same to me. it was pointless for me wasting my time wandering around there. I decided to make a turn, grabbed some fastfood on the way out and walked away.

Ultimately...i left the traces of memories. stepped on the muddy surface and couldnt care less about dirtying my shoes...telling myself,"it's okay, i just wipe it with wet cloth later on" still thinking..gosh how much i've spent time with BB all this long. being apart is hard...but that's the thing that i should live with...at least for now....

People used to say

"There are Things that better to be left alone"...

am i one of those "Things"?

again "LIFE GOES ON...."

Who am I?

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!

life is....

its daunting when life doesnt seemed to move the way you expect it to be. there you are still the same you in indifference situation which you rather not talk about. you wish that there is a big hole to jump into and dissapear from others. you wish the world stop moving till you finally okay. all those wishes are better left alone since you realise life goes on and you must be brave enough to face it..unwillingly. what if the life is full of craps that you yourself created..trigger until at one point you could deal no more. then there you are finding yourself on an intersection of a road when you need to choose only 1. yess..hell with the "the Road Not Taken". it's all about which road should be taken? unfortunately you are standing by the road too long till time running out...leaving you feeling more confused

44 pairs of SHOES

no kidding! my saturday night was a heaven (wink*wink*) to make it perfect...i had the most intriguing dream ever. yes! i dreamt that i had 44 pairs of shoes. what could that mean? meaning that i will have 44 pairs...or perhaps it's time to ditch all those worn off and broken shoes..and bought another 10 pairs or more? am i a shopperholics? a compulsive shopper? No..not at all. it just that i have this soft spot for shoes..you named it, flat shoes, high heels, mary jane, canvas, trainers, thongs, flipflos, open toe, kitten heels, boots...i have almost all

why ladies are labeled as a compulsive shopper? why cant term like active consumer is used? after all, we are contribute generous percentage to economy globally. RITE? RITE!