Cheer Up :)

Bad hair days have never been a big deal to me since having blessed with curly wooly hair, everyday is a bad hair day to me. Luckily, wearing hijab seems to be a solution for the problem. Nobody knows how freaky my hair was on certain day especially on I-couldn’t-be –bother day or just another I’m-late-again morning. There were times when the ladies in the office stared at my dyed frizzy hair while I was taking whuduk in the office’s ladies. But none of them has the guts to ask me about it. LOL…and I’m too lazy to answer the same question again and again. “Yes, this is original except the colour”. And today is the 4th day I dint brush my hair. Yes I dint brush it for 4 consecutively day. Let’s just blame my lazy hormone…

Best DesCribed Bad Hair DaY

Work was a bit tiring today. I was glued in front of the computer screen from morning till late evening. Yes, I left the office at 6.30…went to the car. Heated the engine and read the novel. Maybe it was 6.45 when I actually drove away from the parking space. Road was very clear today since it’s a public holiday in where I stay...so less cars on the road. I had a quite pleasant drive…but still hate driving anyway.

I stopped at the stall, buying some food since cooking is out of my mind at the moment. Just some Bakso from my fave stall and accidently found a cat near by. I meant a stuffed cat which was still nicely wrapped in plastic. It cost me only RM2...i was not planning to buy it at all but looking at the cat’s eyes...oooh, poor lil thing. It needs a home and I have plenty of space for it plus taking care of stuffed animal always been easy. I don’t have to feed them, they don’t make any noise, no frequent petting is required, they don’t dirty the house and the best part is if they smells…you just need to throw them in the washing machine with some detergent or softener for extra fluff to the fur.LOL

Neko being comfortable in its new house

Then, I decided to go to the nearest bookstore. Yes, I need a shopping therapy to ease not-so-good mood. Huh! I always like bookstores…touching the books on the shelves, smelling the eraser or sometimes just reading the poster. Hey, I checked out some stickers. As usual...I could never say NO to cute stickers. I believe “there’s a child in every adult…perhaps in my case, there’s more than 1”. hhahaha. I finally bought two cats stickerrs with cute love hearts, not knowing where to stick it. Oh well, I think of it later.

MEoWWWW
Again, I spent my time in my car which I purposely parked in front of my balcony (a launderette more likely) admiring my garden from far. Yes...the pink flowers bloom really well...the greens are greener...and the purple is purple-r...hahaha...the word doesn’t even exist. Wow...life is not what I expected it to be today. Yes...there’s a lil bit frustration but I’ll get by it…i have too

Again I gave a long sigh “life goes on” and stepped out from the car and climbed the stairs to my little "heaven".

I'm SoRrY FoR NoT BeinG There-Part 1

Last weekend I was surprised with a news of my close friend's split. I tried to redial her number hundreds times and it was left unanswered all the time. After failing to contact her through that number, I finally gave up and assumed that she changed her number. It just came to my mind yesterday to text another friend who is also once in our circle of friend, perhaps she has her new number and i was right. she does has another number.

i know calling her wont change the situation but i just want to let her know that “I still care” about her and sorry for drifting apart especially in times like this. i could recall last time I talked to her was when I called my previous office somewhere in July for some official matters. I was looking for the administrative clerk but it turned that was her who answered my call. yes, my friend, Anne who answered the call. So we ended up chatting for quite some times. Everything sounds okay when I asked about her marriage. Perhaps she was trying to believe it was okay too.

I know her husband as a friend and as a colleague before. He seemed like a nice man and I know his family personally. I was like a daughter to the family. i was a part of them. i never missed any of their "food feast" even occasional lunches during the weekend.

Being raised by a divorced mother makes Anne always looking for a good father figure in her relationship leaving her heartbroken few times but she never gave up. I was there all along. I was there to listen to all her romantic stories and how I adore her guts while I chose to take a different path and stay single for most of the times. There were times when she dragged me to some blind dates and I agreed just to be polite. She was there to chaperone me, so did her then husband.

She was always the one who gave comments to whomever possible dates I should meet next by judging of course from their appearance. LOL many times she said that it’s important for me not to end up marrying ugly guy because she thought that he will ruin my distinct features. She called me “Arab girl” which had me laughed constantly since I am not an Arab descendent not directly maybe

.
I remembered when she hugged me tightly and cried when I was about to leave our then “HOME”. It was a sad moment for both of us but I just need to go and she knows that all along. She was the one who told me to do so. “IT”S NOT A PLACE FOR YOU, here…you need to go out there and be with all those weirdos”. I left all my teaching materials to her even my favourite old radio. the one with crooked hanger as an antenna. the one who kept me company in the corner of the room.

She was happily married at that time. I guess she achieved her dream while I chose to chase mine. it's time to go separately although it was not easy for me to be alone at a new place. soon, things became new routine to me. no more "i-cant-d0-it " but more like "I'll-be-okay" moment.

For the past 3 years I met her for less than 5 times when I was down south for few visits. She was happily occupied with a little girl who is named Marliya. Yes a beautiful Marliya with lovely eyes and curly black hair. I was happy for her and envied her for having a perfect life as a wife and a mother. I assume her life was complete in some ways. i was happy for her though. i mean that's the best thing i could do for her.

Then I heard less and less from her or perhaps I was too busy chasing my dreams till I heard about her divorced. i guessed she must have made lots of thinking before finally made the firm decission. accepting a proposal could be easy but getting a divorce is obviously not. not in a society where divorce is still a taboo..it's the last solution. but i rather think it's a new beginning of an ending.

to be continued

Game OVER

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

When Estrogen Talks

i had enough sleep last night and i dont think i have mountains of work. i guess...i should blame the hormone. now, all i could think is my bed..go home and jump onto my bed....still 2 hours to go

KeePinG FaitH

How do you strengthen your faith? Your religion? Your Deen?
Does having a religion means that yo just do the Dos and Quit the DONTs? Well, that’s a part of it but there’s definitely more elaborate than that.

This is a story of sweet LiL Kimi from my point of view. Kimi was popular for her ability to speak Bahasa Indonesia after spending some times in the country, living as an expatriate family in a majority Islam community. She was fascinated with the beautiful religion and decided to convert to the religion once she’s back in OZ.

Reading her blog is really enjoyable…adoring her cute lil face and the pink Hello Kitty background. I dint register as her follower but I secretly reading her blog from now and then. She just has the right stroke in writing. Her thoughts were perfectly organized and trust me..she’s everyone sweetheart. She seemed to be so into her new “belief”, honestly her attire were even more modest compared to me. I viewed her as a strong young lady trying to be a good muslim in a kafir society. However, they were so supportive…providing a comfortable environment for her. Although I dint like her pet doggy that much..

It’s amazing reading her words of wisdom…how courageous she was. Talking about Islam, Quran, hadith…most of the entries were Islamic. She’s so well spoken. She had hundreds followers that gave her heartening comments. She’s a sister to most of them.

I always wanted to tell frends about how intriguing she was. Telling how Allah granted Nur to her …..to whoever being chosen. I called it a graceful NUR and she’s one of the lucky one. She was born again at the aged of 15 and was as clean as white linen sheet. How fortunate she was.
On the other hand I’m in different situation compared to her. Being born Muslim means that I inherit the religion. I grow with it. Live with it. It’s my life. There’s only one Allah to me. Glad that it never occurred to me to think that there’s other God.

I have to admit that there were times when I forgot to say Alhamdulillah when granted with blessings..but I never blamed Allah as well as fate whenever I was hit by thousands of problems…when I failed..when my heart was badly hurted..when things dint turn the way I wanted it to be..when my days were darker than anything…of course I broke down and cried but having my faith…always make me feel better later on even stronger than before. i just keep in my mind that There are things beyond our control and predestined by Allah. I guess Kimi has problem in believing in the concept. She has doubts not only on the existence of Allah but god generally.

Faith was taught in simple ways by my mother. “How do we know Allah exists?” “Look around you…trees, hills, river..AlIah makes all of them”. Living in a countryside make me aware with the nature more than children nowadays who’ve been surrounded my man-made buildings and modern machines. Perhaps they couldn’t relate the existence of the world with the existence of Allah that much.

Apart from that I was reminded since I was a lil child that we cannot say bad thing about Allah and prophet Muhammad..let alone blame them. Why? Because Allah will get angry and we’ll be doom in Hell. At that time I always pictured Hell as a big pot of fire with hot bubble and smokes coming out from it..more like spicy curry prepared by my mom..but with extra chili and extremely hot so that it could melt your tongue in less than 2 seconds. So I rather not make Allahangry because it surely hot in the pot.

I was Growing up with that belief and it just stuck in my mind forever until now. It’s a simple way to explain to a small child and the best part is to stop them from asking lots of questions since there are lots of unexplained matters when religion is concerned unless you're a well-educate islamic scholar.

Okay..back to sweet lil kimi’s story. So there she was, an idol to most of new converts or even us the born Muslims. The last time I read her blog was just less than a month ago. She’s happily announcing her engagement and plan for a perfect muslim’s wedding. She even started to create her new blog on losing weight. I guess she wanted to look amazing on her wedding day. I mean, who doesn’t.

I always wanted to leave some comments on her blog but I never did. Until last week I feel like reading her blog again after taking a long break from doing so. To my surprise…KIMI LEFT ISLAM…yes the sweet Hello Kitty’s fan choose to stop believe in ALLAH..she even said that she doesn’t need god anymore.

But why o why? I mean..of all people….why kimi? Then again, I was told as a small girl not to question Allah’s deeds. Kimi’s sad story makes my faith even stronger. Again…Allah has the power to give Nur to whoever he decides and to take it back whenever he wants to…in just a blink of eyes.

Oh kimi, stop relate the existence of human being with evolution theories…and all those gravity craps..she never been forced to convert and i believe that nobody forced her to leave the religion either. it's all her free choice. some of us are really unhappy with her decission. maybe because we love her so much and could feel the lost. yes..losing the sweet girl who seemed to be fully aware with her new life as a muslim. i never hated her though.

kimi's story does leave us with a great mark. making our faith stronger. i couldnt agree more with this one blogger who mentioned that kimi does make some changes in ways we are looking at our religion. there's no point cracking our mind with all those questions on her reason to leave Islam but let's just think what could we learn from her story.

this is some of the things that i've learnt...She’s almost succeed in believing the 6 pillars of Iman. She seemed to pass all except the last one. Believing in Qada' and Qadar ..To believe in Divine Preordainment . I guess this is the hardest part. After trying all her best to be faithful to her new belief…she was tested..then she had a doubt on the religion..started to questions things. I don’t know to whom she discussed her doubts but she doesn’t seem to be satisfied with the explanations. Finally she calls it quit…leaving something that was once her biggest interest.

To kimi…I pray that you’ll see the Nur again and this time you’ll see it not only with your eyes but with your heart. How could you expect to understand all about the religion when it was barely 2 years for you to be a muslim. It’s possible for others not to complete the “study” till the end of their life. We just need to learn constantly and try our best inkeeping the faith. In good and bad times….

it's all come to an end for Kimi as a muslim but i still read her blog. she always been an interesting writer..it just that her recent blog is more on her anger with lots of ugly "F" words. perhaps it's true that having a good faith helps us a lot in controling our emotions especially the negative ones...i believe that. to control doesnt mean to repress the emotions but to manage it wisely :)

to Kimi all the best in not so pleasant world of crapsssss...which be better with lil good faith...Yes we gotta have faith.

MY PraYerS

Ya ALLAH

I pray the days come easy and the moments pass slow
and each road leads me where i want to go,

if I'm faced with a choice, and i have to choose,
I hope i choose the one that means the most to me.

if one door opens to another door closed,
I pray i keep on walkin' 'til i find the window,

if it's cold outside,show the world the warmth of my smile :)

but more than anything, more than anything

My prayer, is that this life...
becomes all that i want it to,
my dreams stay BIG,
my worries stay small,
i never need to carry more than i can haul,

while i'm out there getting where i'm getting to,
I pray i know somebody loves me,
and wants the same things too

I pray i never look back,
but i never forget,
all the ones who love me, in the place i left,

I hope i always forgive, and i never regret

i help somebody every chance i get
Oh, i find Allah's grace, in every mistake

always give more then i take.
But more than anything
I PraY to always say ALHAMDULILLAH for all the BLessinG

Ameen...

PlanTing SeeDs of HappineSs

( 11 Dec 2009- Mission AccomPLished )

( 7 Dec 2009-The Sole SurvivoR )

( 3 DeC 2009)

(18 Nov 2009)

5cm smiley seed, bright orange stink marigold petals, a curly funny plant and tiny Japanese roses…cheerful enough, providing patches of colours to cloudy December sky. That’s what I thought. These joyfull plants are perhaps the only motivation for me to go to my workplace especially on bad days like these couple of days. I've been working n working without knowing much what I’ve done.

Feeling slightly light headed yesterday with a slight attack of gastric due to unnecessary anxiety. which should be under controled...but hey..life never been a piece of cake to most people. but one thing for sure, Life goes on. Run if you can, walking is ok...or crawl if you must...you just need to go on..doesnt matter how..

Honestly I was in blue and unsatisfied with my job. Then, Ms Ym from the faculty called me asking about my study status. Apparently my supervisor, Prof N was there. I was told to see her a.s.a.p. gulp! Should I go on or quit? Or just postpone it for another 10 years perhaps?

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about my previous plan in sort of “once-upon-a-time” story. Then he said to me, “It doesn’t mean your current life will be your last”. He’s right. I, by no means have no control over my destiny but it wouldn’t be any harm if I review my old plan and think about it again. By the way, that’s what I like to do best in my life. Yes...teaching. One day...it’s not impossible for me to go back to my old times. Teaching to a bunch of students who are eager to listen to me...discussing psycholinguistic theories with teachers-wannabes. Guiding them in exams…helping them to score good marks.

Satisfaction is important in life. I could be stucked in a secure job but unhappy or not so secure job but happy. Tough...it’s like having a secure unhappy relationship or insecure happy relationship. PARADOX in meaning but do happen in reality….knowing myself. I always choose to be happy. Of course I want to be rich...but I want to be a smiley face kindda rich…so having a place to stay…decent food to eat (cant say nutritious since I do eat junk food a lot...hahaha) a car to move around...lil extra cash for things..Be enough. Who cares if others r driving HONDA…I’ll be happy if I’m riding on a camel as long as there’s a “driver”…huh...i never like that engined animal a.k.a car anyway.

Now...what I’m thinking is...how do I turn back to plan A, after moving along with PLAN B? The problem is I might be facing some legal action. Some of it is quite ridiculous…so when penalty fees are concerned. I rather not talk too much. Perhaps before taking any step. I should consult a legal advise from the expertise not from friends who mostly will talk about commonsense...believe me. Been through all those and discovered that it could be nonsense after all. I rather not loose my senses anymore which could result me being unpaid for almost a year….sigh!!!

To be or not to be...The road not taken again…two roads diverged in a yellow wood…blabla…blabla

the point is, i need to Plant my own Happy Seeds. those seeds might not grow all but i'm having no doubt that some will :)