You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant ?

i was about to open my novel when my senior approached. i know her in graduate school, in fact i was her senior back then. yes, she is loud but i never bother about that. i was busy writing my thesis while she's just starting her first year. i barely met her except on those days where i needed to wait for my supervisor to reschedule our meeting and i occasionally ended up hanging around in the graduate's lab. just to kill the time or checking my email.

Sister Salma is a friendly lady, a person that i think is okay to mix around. in fact, i always think she is till now. accidently , she was the first i met after reported to my new division and i was very please to see familiar face at the same place. she's in different unit but recently we met quite often. we are in the same research team for time being and another reason is..i started to park my car at the basement. somehow i dont really like the morning crowd in the lift..people are not just saying hi but checking on each other..clothes, make up..handbags and me? i never looked the best in the morning, especially on my way to the office.

sister Salma joined me for breakfast today and out of respect i dint take my novel out. then, she started to ask me "did Zainab told you what i asked her to tell?" i said"i dont think so"
Sister Zainab is really close to me and she's really stylish and i adore her. i always seek advise from her..not about dressing up but about job and personal problems. i wonder, what stopped her from telling me sister Salma's message. She's a sister to me and i believe she'll say whatever she needed to say to be without feeling hesitate.

"So..tell me!".. She was slightly reluctant and finally said "i told her to tell you to dress up the way you did before" .."mmm..how?" "you are not wearing make up anymore.no lipsticks, come on " i just smiled.."owwh.." she continued, "last time i saw you were so plain..nothing on your face" i replied "well, im not wearing anything now..just natural colour lip moisturizer".."owwwh.." i think she realised that i dont want to discuss about it anymore. so we changed topic..

last couple of months..one of my colleagues asked me.."is that your new hijab style?" i said "maybe..insyallah" honestly i hate myself when i couldnt defend my act, as if my act is against wrong. why cant i say..yes, this is my choice? there's nothing to be ashamed of.

nobody asked me to change..i just feel not right when my hijab doesnt cover my chest. it's like my chest is bare. i started to wear less and less make up. the kohl was applied just to hide my swollen eyes. yes...i had some sadness at that moment and tried to conceal it from others. i dont think it's appropriate for me to come to work looking scrumpy. Alhamdulillah things got better. thanks to my friend who constantly reminding me about the qadr and..the deeper meaning of surah al-insyirah. my fave lines are

فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

Surely there is ease after hardship

إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Aye, surely there is ease after hardship.

So i cried less and less. now time to let go my make up. i was worried in case i need the kohl to seal my "grief" again..then i told myself..Allah will keep on helping me in various way. i shouldnt worry much about the future...

i still care much about my skin. i wash my face daily, making sure there's no pimples..putting scar gel on the pimples scar, put lip moisturiser, moisture my face, eye gel for eye bags...and have regular facial done either at home or spa. Alhamdulillah im blessed with good skin and always keep it hydrated by drinking lots of water..only that sometimes i like to squeeze my pimples with my fingers and the result is..ugly scar..:(

once i asked my close friend " do i look different without make up?" she replied " never noticed that" so it's good to know that Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. im not just skin deep..i wanted to be acknowledged not the way i dress..what colour of lipsticks ..let be because for my intelligence and pleasant being. i'm more than a muse.

now i understand why to cover is to honour ourselves..you'll be respected for your brain. i believe when people are listening to you..they really do listen to the words you are saying not because of your "artificial beauty". in the end of the day, it will be your opinion and say that count.

i'm grateful to what Allah is turning me into. i never guessed that i could just be the person i am now. my mom and sisters will be happy...seeing me tossing my tight clothes and fancy eyeshadow. people might say that im limiting my chance of attracting guys and might end up being a spinster. all that i gotta say..my life is not the society to decide. Allah knows the best for me.

it's good to know that most of those who really know me dont really care if i wear make up or not..i am bulan. that's explain everything. my non-muslim housemate is very curious but she tried to understand why i cleaned my closet and put some clothes in the box for donation. harumi is more than happy to receive some of my clothes.

poor Reena, she was all excited to revamp my wardrobe but i told her i'm okay with it as long as she follows my rules..so can you imagine her face when i refused to buy the funky outfit from the China doll's store? give me a break..those clothes are wayyy to tight..i couldnt even put my finger in :P i'll think i'll suffocate in that small dress.

Taheerah is always okay with what i wear or decide not to wear.it's cool to have a friend like her. last weekend i took her out for dinner at the nearby stall..so i was wearing my denim-like jilbab and long black shayla..since it's easy to slip into..and she was wearing baby tee and shorts..people were staring at us..yes, we looked very "different" but hey.it doesnt matter..Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

now..it's understandable why sister Zainab dint tell me about sister Salma's message. maybe she forgot all about it or it's simply unimportant. i am who i am and people like the way i am..with or without make up.

to those lovely people..thank you for not judging me based on my appearance. im not perfect and never will be one. i never dreamt of being the person i am now. Allah leads people in mysterious ways. Gladly He dint lead me through a very long and difficult route and i pray that He will make me better in every possible way..and keep on leading me to the right path.

to sister Salma, thanks for your attention and my dua' goes to you.

i end my post wit a cute HiJaBi BabY pic